Transfer Day

By the grace of God, I actually managed to get some sleep the night before transfer. I woke up with the sun, excitement racing through every inch of my body. My mom stayed with the kids, and Ben and I snuck out early so we could enjoy some time together before the appointment. We picked up some muffins and a mocha from Starbucks and headed to one of our favorite places. A beautiful little duck pond tucked up into the hills near our clinic. We call it ‘The Peaceful Place’.

I read somewhere that walking for 30 minutes prior to transfer increases the bloodflow to the uterus, thereby possibly increasing the chance of implantation. So, we walked. And talked. And prayed. The last thing I said to Ben before we got in the car was, “What if one of the babies doesn’t make the thaw?” I don’t even remember his response because I was too consumed with that thought.

When we arrived at the clinic and got settled into our room, the embryologist confirmed my fear. Only one embryo had survived the thaw. Her voice was very sympathetic as she tried to explain what happened. Apparently one of the embryos just literally fell apart as soon as it was removed from the freezer. She said she had really never seen anything like that happen. Great. Very reassuring. Our RE shared that she can’t even remember the last time an embryo of it’s quality didn’t survive the thaw. Also super comforting. I managed to hold my tears in until after they left the room. And then I totally lost it. Ben did his best to comfort me. To remind me that I needed to focus on the baby that remained. He prayed and rubbed my head and wiped my tears. He texted my girlfriends, mom and sister and asked for their prayers. He’s a good man.

And then it was time for the transfer. Time to be reunited with one of the babies I’d been holding in my heart for 3 years. The procedure is quick and painless. Over and done with in a matter of seconds. We watched a tiny, bright flash streak across the screen and then settle in my uterus. I prayed as hard as I could that it would snuggle in and make a home. But I didn’t feel hopeful. My excitement had been replaced by sadness. Ben said it was because we’d lost one of the embryos. And it was. But it was also because from the instant that embryo was placed inside of me, I had a feeling that I’d only get to hold it for a short time in my womb, but never in my arms.

I’m not gonna lie. It was a rough day. But all the while, I felt my Heavenly Father with me.  I surrendered my hopes and dreams to Him, knowing that His plan is perfect. And then I waited in His peace.