Transfer Day

By the grace of God, I actually managed to get some sleep the night before transfer. I woke up with the sun, excitement racing through every inch of my body. My mom stayed with the kids, and Ben and I snuck out early so we could enjoy some time together before the appointment. We picked up some muffins and a mocha from Starbucks and headed to one of our favorite places. A beautiful little duck pond tucked up into the hills near our clinic. We call it ‘The Peaceful Place’.

I read somewhere that walking for 30 minutes prior to transfer increases the bloodflow to the uterus, thereby possibly increasing the chance of implantation. So, we walked. And talked. And prayed. The last thing I said to Ben before we got in the car was, “What if one of the babies doesn’t make the thaw?” I don’t even remember his response because I was too consumed with that thought.

When we arrived at the clinic and got settled into our room, the embryologist confirmed my fear. Only one embryo had survived the thaw. Her voice was very sympathetic as she tried to explain what happened. Apparently one of the embryos just literally fell apart as soon as it was removed from the freezer. She said she had really never seen anything like that happen. Great. Very reassuring. Our RE shared that she can’t even remember the last time an embryo of it’s quality didn’t survive the thaw. Also super comforting. I managed to hold my tears in until after they left the room. And then I totally lost it. Ben did his best to comfort me. To remind me that I needed to focus on the baby that remained. He prayed and rubbed my head and wiped my tears. He texted my girlfriends, mom and sister and asked for their prayers. He’s a good man.

And then it was time for the transfer. Time to be reunited with one of the babies I’d been holding in my heart for 3 years. The procedure is quick and painless. Over and done with in a matter of seconds. We watched a tiny, bright flash streak across the screen and then settle in my uterus. I prayed as hard as I could that it would snuggle in and make a home. But I didn’t feel hopeful. My excitement had been replaced by sadness. Ben said it was because we’d lost one of the embryos. And it was. But it was also because from the instant that embryo was placed inside of me, I had a feeling that I’d only get to hold it for a short time in my womb, but never in my arms.

I’m not gonna lie. It was a rough day. But all the while, I felt my Heavenly Father with me.  I surrendered my hopes and dreams to Him, knowing that His plan is perfect. And then I waited in His peace.

FET in Pictures, Because Words Are Too Hard Today.

 

Decisions, Decisions

Our FET is in just 2 days! I’ve literally been counting down the hours. It doesn’t seem real. I’ve been waiting for this day for 3 years, and now it’s just around the corner. Yesterday we had to give the clinic our final decision on how many embryos to transfer. We have two 5 day blastocycsts remaining, and honestly we’ve both always assumed we would transfer them together. It wasn’t really until my first appointment in March when my RE told me that they’d been frozen in separate straws that I began to consider doing a single embryo transfer.

I asked my RE her opinion on how many to transfer and her answer surprised me somewhat. She said that obviously the goal is to be pregnant with one baby at a time due to the increased risks associated with multiples. That part I expected. But she followed that up with saying while she almost always recommends a single embryo transfer,  she thinks I would be an amazing mom to twins, and would support our decision to transfer two if that’s what we choose to do.

Then at my last appointment I saw another RE because mine was out of town. I was supposed to give the clinic our final decision at that appointment. We had decided to transfer both, but when I shared our decision with the RE he suggested I take a bit more time to think about it. He gently laid out all of the increased risks that a multiple pregnancy carries. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. I’ve researched it myself quite a bit. But I didn’t feel 100% confident in our decision.

I decided to contact my OB who knows my full history. She’s cared for me during all of my pregnancies, and I trust her medical opinion. Her suggestion was to do one at a time. She said that twin pregnancies are a lot harder than people think. That I’m still young enough to do one now and one in a couple years. That caring for and homeschooling 3 kids while pregnant with twins would be really, really difficult. UGH.  It’s what I expected to hear…just not what I wanted to hear.

After weighing everyone’s opinions, both medical and personal, I was left feeling even more confused. And time was running out. We were down to less than 24 hours before I had to give the clinic our decision. Thankfully I have a husband who always reminds me to cast all of my fears onto the Lord. We prayed about it together and asked for direction and confirmation. For peace and faith. And then I texted my mom, sister and best girlfriends and asked them to pray for the same. And just like they always do, they came through. They shared words of encouragement and scripture, asked all the right questions, gave insight, and most importantly prayed for us. And just like that, our hearts were at peace. Our decision was made. No more worrying or what-if-ing.  No more pro’s and con’s lists. No more second guessing.

In 43 hours and 21 minutes our precious babies will be back in my belly where they belong.

Both of them.

FET Timeline – Updated

I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday, April 11th which was cycle day 4. My lining is thin and I don’t have any cysts, so we are good to go for our frozen embryo transfer this month!

Here’s the plan:

CD11
April 18

• Ultrasound to measure follicle size and endometrial lining adequacy.
• Update – I have one dominant follicle measuring 15.5 on the left, nothing on the right. My lining is measuring at 7.7
• Trigger will be tomorrow!

CD12
April 19

•  Administer Ovidrel HCG at 9:00pm to induce LH surge.

CD16
April 23 (4 days past trigger shot)

• Begin Endometrin 100mg vaginally twice daily until negative pregnancy test OR 12 weeks gestation.

CD17 thru CD19
April 24 – 26

• Begin Doxycycline 100mg twice daily
• Begin Prednisone 10mg twice daily

CD19
April 26 (7 days past trigger shot)

• Frozen Embryo Transfer at 10:00am
• Come to clinic with a full bladder
• Take 10mg valium 30 minutes before transfer
• Do not use progesterone on morning of transfer

CD28
May 5

• Beta HCG blood test
• Arrive at lab between 7:30-10:00am

Preparing Our Nest

This soon-to-be-Mama and her mate have been busy for the past week.

Back and forth, gathering twigs, preparing their nest.

They are committed.

And they’re a team.

Ben and I stood at the window this weekend.

His arm wrapped around me.

My head on his shoulder.

Both of us silently admiring their quest.

Our hearts smiling with anticipation.

Because we are also busy preparing our nest.

We are committed.

And we are my favorite team.

Endometrial Scratching Boosts IVF Odds By 20%

CBS News Video Clip about Endometrial Scratching

 

When I first read about this breakthrough in fertility treatments I was so excited to know that there was a new procedure that could boost my chances of actually bringing home my remaining two embryos. And it is SO simple!

The increased implantation benefits of endometrial scratching was first discovered in 2003, but it wasn’t until recently that the promising results from clinical trials have brought it to the forefront of fertility medicine.  Research has shown that implantation rates improve by 20% after simply scratching the uterine lining. The scratching  causes a ‘repair reaction’ which releases growth factors, hormones and chemicals. The new lining which regenerates after the scratching is thought to be more receptive to implanting embryos which increases the chances of pregnancy. The procedure should be performed in the cycle before your embryo transfer. Ideally on cycle day 21 . It’s a quick procedure, much like an embryo transfer actually.

I had my scratch performed yesterday, on cycle day 23. I had spoken with my RE about it at my initial appointment, but she didn’t seem to think it would provide much benefit because I’ve never had implantation issues. But…the more I read about it, the more I realized that for my own sanity I needed to do everything possible to give these babies their best chance. I called my clinic, the nurse checked with Dr. W. and she agreed that we had nothing to lose.

I was a little nervous that it was going to be painful. I’d read mixed information on good old Dr. Google. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t comfortable. I could definitely feel a pinching, cramping sensation but  just as I started to get hot and sweaty from holding my breath, it was over. The entire procedure took 3 minutes.  I was in the exam room for a total of 7 minutes.  I had a slight amount of spotting for a couple of hours. A bit of cramping throughout the day, nothing compared to the cramps I get with my period. As I was drifting off to sleep last night I was rehashing the appointment in my mind and marveling at how something so quick and simple could  be so beneficial.

Hope in A Promise

Here’s the thing.
Every frozen embryo transfer I’ve done has resulted in pregnancy.
And then miscarriage.
I am so fearful of that trend continuing.
So afraid that once again the thrill of excitement is going to turn to heartbreak.
But honestly, whether the initial test results in a positive or negative, if it ends without a baby in my arms 9 months from now, my heart will break.
Those frozen embryos are already my babies.
They have been my babies since the day they were conceived.
I’ve thought about them and prayed for them every day for 3 years.
I dream about them.
I imagine what they will look like.
I daydream about holding them in my arms and telling them I’m their Mama.
That they are loved.
That I’ve been waiting for them.
And I WILL tell them all of those things.
Whether it’s in this lifetime.
Or in Eternity
Because I have this promise.

John 14:1-3

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

The Countdown Begins

I have to laugh when I think back to “my plan”.

Sophie would’ve already been a big sister by now.

I’d have a 6 month old (or tw0).

But God knew better.

He knew me better.

He clearly knew Sophie better.

We needed these 2+ years.

She needed NumNums.

Around the clock snuggles.

My constant attention.

I needed to trust Him and rest in His timing.

But guess what?

The time has come!!!

It took 27 months for my body to kick back into baby-making gear.

I’m ready.

10 days until my next cycle begins.

29 days until my Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)

29 days until I’m reunited with my sweet babies.

39 days until I hear the words, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!”

I’m thinking positive here…Roll with me.

52 days until I see if it’s one heartbeat or two.

But hey…

Who’s counting?

 

Sophie’s Birth Story

I went into labor on Wednesday, December 14, 2011. I had been contracting on and off for a couple of weeks, but this was different. I had a pretty good idea that the time had come. This baby was not going to wait another 3 weeks. Of course immediately after I realized this, I remembered that we still had all of our Christmas shopping to do for our big kids. SO…we headed to the mall. Christmas music filled the air, people were rushing around trying to check everything off their lists, children were waiting in long lines to sit on Santa’s lap. And then there was me. I felt like I was in a dream, floating blissfully along amidst the hustle and bustle. I was contracting every 5 minutes, but it wasn’t painful. It just felt so surreal.

After about 2 hours walking around the mall, we headed home. I lay down in bed and wondered if I’d wake up in the night in full-blown labor, ready to head to the hospital. It wasn’t easy to fall asleep, the contractions were still there, although less intense.  I rubbed my tummy and talked to the baby. Cherished those kicks and wiggles and wondered how much longer it would be until I would meet my little girl. The contractions kept coming every 3 minutes all night long, but they still weren’t super painful. There were quite a few that I had to breathe through, but for the most part they were pretty tolerable. I finally fell asleep around 5 am and slept for several hours.

When I woke up, Ben had already left for work, and the kids were in their jammies watching cartoons. I had them get dressed and we went for a walk in an attempt to kick the contractions into high gear.  I spent most of the day bouncing on the birth ball and cleaning the house. A quiet excitement filled every inch of the air. We knew it wouldn’t be much longer. By the time Ben got home from work around 5pm the contractions had become much more uncomfortable. We had dinner and then I went to lay down in bed around 6pm. The contractions were now hurting in my back and I knew I needed to rest my body and mind.

After about an hour or so, the kids came into my room to say goodnight. They were so excited! They had been waiting for this moment for so long. Nine months takes FOREVER when you’re a kid! They told me that they hoped I was gone when they woke up because that would mean their baby sister was here. I just smiled and said, “We’ll see, guys. This could be it, or it could just be my body getting ready.” After all of the false alarms with Ryan, I was nervous that I would be tricked again this time around. I just couldn’t bring myself to make a firm declaration that ‘This Was It’.

At around 7:30 I had to get out of bed. The contractions were hurting too much to just lay still and wait around for the next one. I came into the living room, plugged in the Christmas lights, switched Pandora to the Christmas Carols station and got to work wrapping presents. It was pretty comical because the contractions were coming so close together that it would take 20 minutes just to get one present wrapped. I kept having to stop what I was doing and rock through the contractions, usually just at the peak. I stood at the kitchen table, alternating between wrapping and rocking for hours. I got every last present wrapped. I even watched YouTube videos to learn how to tie beautiful bows so that the presents would look extra special under the tree. I was in such a peaceful state of mind. I knew my body was doing what it was created to do and I was so thankful that I was finally getting the experience of spontaneous labor. My other two were both induced and that was such a completely different experience. I had been picturing this labor in my mind for so long, and so far everything was going just as I had imagined. I was confident in my ability to cope with the contractions.

Just before midnight all of the presents were wrapped and adorned with festive bows. I decided to finish packing my hospital bag. Most of it was already done; I just needed to add a few last minute things. After that I climbed into bed and tried to relax. That didn’t last long…lying down while in active labor was NOT a good idea. The contractions were so much more painful in bed. I told Ben that I wished I could climb into a big hot bubble bath. Two seconds later I heard the water running in the bathroom upstairs. He used my favorite bubble bath, lit candles and put on some relaxing music. By this point the contractions were very intense. I was swaying, rocking and vocalizing through each one. Once my body relaxed into the tub of warm water it seemed to literally melt away the tension. I was able to fully relax and enjoy the moment. I breathed in the fragrance of the bubble bath, reveled in the glow of the candlelight and felt so grateful that Ben was right by my side. My daughter, Emma woke up at one point when Ben was re-warming the tub. She tiptoed quietly into the bathroom and gave me a kiss. I will always remember that sweet moment.

I got out of the tub sometime after 1am. The contractions seemed to have really slowed down and I was worried that I may have stalled my labor. That feeling was short lived though. By the time I had dried off and gotten dressed the contractions were back with a vengeance. I decided to get back in the tub again, but couldn’t get comfortable this time. I headed down stairs and told Ben that this was definitely it. He wanted to head to the hospital right then, but I didn’t want to get there too soon. My plan was to arrive with just enough time to deliver. I didn’t want to have to labor at all at the hospital. I told him that I knew my body, and that I would know when it was time. He decided to get ready to go anyway, which turned out to be a good thing.

I couldn’t seem to get warm after getting out of the bath, so Ben cranked the heater up. I knelt in front of the heater vent, leaning over my birth ball with a blanket draped over me to soak in all the heat I could. As soon as the first contraction hit in that position I knew it was time to go. Ben had gone upstairs to tuck Emma back in because I had woken her up during a previously strong contraction. I yelled up to him as loud as I could, “Babe, we need to go NOW”. Once the contraction had subsided I calmed down, but the fact that I felt like pushing at the peak of that last contraction definitely got my heart pumping. I told Ben to go get my brother, who lives next door, so that we could leave. By this point my contractions were so intense that I was moaning loudly through each one. In between I was fine though, and my brother and I were laughing and joking about the fact that Ben had chosen this moment to clear a bunch of boxes out of the trunk.   Not sure of the logic behind that. I certainly had no intention of riding in the trunk! Finally, Ben came to get me, wrapped me in a blanket and walked me out to the van. It was a freezing cold night, I could see my breath and the air was crisp and fresh. Looking up at the stars shining brightly above me, I rested in the words of Isaiah 40:26

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

I looked around, taking it all in. The whole neighborhood was asleep, but we were on our way to meet our precious girl.

The night was so cold that the window shield had iced over and wasn’t defrosting anytime soon. I knew we didn’t have long so Ben just rolled the windows down, blasted the hot air and drove to the hospital with his head hanging out the driver’s side window. I don’t really remember much about the drive, other than it seemed to take forever. When we arrived at the hospital we entered through the Emergency Room. By the time I got to the check-in station I was moaning loudly, my body draped over the desk. Someone came up behind me with a wheelchair and rushed me up to the 3^rd floor.  Meanwhile, Ben was stopped by Security and told that he needed to move the van.

I had called ahead to L&R to let them know that I was coming in. My Dr. had noted in my chart that I had a history of precipitous labor, which was nice because this time the nurses took me seriously when I told them that this baby was going to be here SOON. We arrived to our room at 2:40am. I got in the bed so that our nurse, Andrea could check me. Before she did I let her know that regardless of how many centimeters I was, I knew that I was close to delivering. She checked me, and said, “Well, you’re 3 right now, and baby is still high, but I believe you. We’re going to go ahead and get ready for delivery.” I remember saying a quick thank you to Jesus for going ahead of me and preparing the perfect nursing team. It made such a huge difference to have someone trust my instincts, and allow me to continue to listen and follow my body’s lead. As soon as she was done checking me I got out of the bed and went to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet for a contraction or two before I was finally able to relax enough to pee. Ben was great about helping me remember to relax my entire body between contractions. I walked back to the side of the bed and Ben and I were having a conversation about whether or not he should run back out to the car to get the birthball. The nurses told me that they had one that I could use, so we decided he should stay. I raised the bed all the way up so that I could lean my upper body on it without having to bend over too much, and then an insanely strong contraction hit. It was unlike any that came before or after it. I could literally feel the baby moving down and pushing on my bag of waters. I knew it was about to break. Sure enough, at the peak of the contraction …POP!! My water burst. It literally made a loud POP and went everywhere. Before I even got the sentence out that my water had just broke (as if they didn’t already know), I could feel the baby beginning to crown. I said, “Ok, she’s coming…like, right now…she’s coming RIGHT NOW!!”

Everyone shifted into high gear at that point. One nurse was on the phone trying to get the on-call OB in the room, another was mopping up the mess on the floor, two others were trying to help me get into the bed. I felt like if I tried to climb into the bed myself that the baby would just fall right out! I remember there was some controversy with the on-call Dr. He was on the unit, but was sleeping. He didn’t think he needed to come because I had only been 3cm a few minutes prior to the phone call. The nurse made it very clear that she needed him NOW.  Once I made it onto the bed Andrea checked me again and said, “OK, you’re 8cm now…so don’t push yet”. Before she had even finished checking me I replied, “I can’t help it, my body is pushing her out. She’s coming out, RIGHT NOW” She calmly responded,  “OH, now you’re 10. Yep, you’re right, here she is.”

And there she was, at 3:09am, less than half an hour after arriving at the hospital, our beautiful girl that we had been longing and praying for faithfully for years was in my arms. What an amazing moment. Andrea put her straight onto my chest and she nuzzled right in. Her Daddy and I talked to her and kissed her and told her how much we loved her. Ben said a sweet prayer and thanked the Lord for this beautiful blessing that He had given us. We spent the next several hours doing much of the same. It’s forever burned into my memory. The moment that I looked down at her sweet face and spoke her name through my tears for the first time. Sophia Faye. I’m your Mama.

35 weeks! Look at this Belly!

I know I’m biased.

I don’t care.

My mom is an amazing photographer.

She truly captured the joy that this growing belly has brought to our family.

I’m cherishing every moment of these last few weeks.

Every kick.

Every wiggle.

Every Hiccup.

Because this might be the last time I ever feel these tiny miracles.

I want to memorize this feeling.

I want to carry it in my heart forever.

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